Suzanne had the deep brain stimulation yesterday. She did well per her doctors. This is the second day and all she wants to do is sleep. We have only been with her a short while so as to let her continue resting and healing. Will return later today and hope to find her more alert. Hoping to return home tomorrow. If not will need to make arrangements to go home thne return for her.

Four Years Gone

Don it has been four. years since I posted, not because I gave up on remembering but because remembering brought so much pain. I am back and these four years have been an eternity without you. Every day I go through the process of just maintaining and living. I very much stay to myself. All our friends are now gone and a friend I reunited with in November died in January of Covid Complications. We were excited to have come back together and planned many "girl" things to do. Now again, the emptiness is here. I will be 78 shortly and all I seem to focus on is how much I miss you and want you back to continue the good parts of our life. I spend time with the kids but they all have thier lives and it is not thier obligation to make sure I am not lonely or depressed. I welcome the nights as it takes me from this world for several hours, then I wake up and it starts all over. Miss you and love you.

Long days and longer nights.

Long Days and Longer Nights Seven months have passed since your "home-going". It does not get easier as each new day upon waking I am reminded you are not here. Nights bring dreams of you in so many scenarios but they always end with you going somewhere and me looking for you. Reality is painful. I am trying to maintain a positive interaction with friends and family, but often find it difficult and choose to be alone. I look at the map with the pins in the different places we visited and those memories are so clear and wonderful. it was during our last trip, to Germany, Austria and Prague that your illness began to manifest more publicly than ever before. It was difficult for you to grasp the lectures and enjoy the sites, other than the beer garden in Munich, where you enjoy a huge glass of beer with an equally huge salted pretzel. That night you became disoriented at dinner and was unable to hold your head up or even put food into your mouth with a fork. Your eyes were closed and you were drooling salvia onto your dinner plate. You then complained of your head and chest hurting. I immediately went to the concierge and asked for emergency medical assistance thinking you were having a cardiac issue or possibly a stroke. He called a taxi and we were taken to the Red Cross Clinic. The nurse observed you and had the same thoughts as I did and called for emergency transport to the neurological hospital. The paramedics were so kind and we found a common experience as they frequently visited California to surf.,The procedure was to pay them for the transport, but I had no money and had left my credit cards at the hospital. They told me it was a free ride as thanks for the wonderful surfing they enjoyed in California. At the hospital a neurologist was called and he did the exam, scans, blood work and felt the outcome show no sign of stroke or heart attack. He was concerned over your lack of sleep and felt your CPAP machine was not working correctly and was created extreme tiredness, affecting body and mind. He prescribed Ritalin to keep you more aware and awake. We were to leave that morning at 8 am and I was so stressed they we may miss our bus and may have to stay in Munich. I called Jackie and she told me if needed she would fly to Munich to help out in anyway she could. Our trip organizer and pastor was with us and the three of us took a taxi to downtown Munich to a 25 hour pharmacy, next to the home of Beethoven!!! The pastor got out of the taxi and approached the door knocking several times. soon a small door within the door was opened. He handed the prescription to the pharmacist who then told us he did not have ritalin but would substitute it with 500 mg caffienne capsules and you were to take four per day. That did make you very alert and you were able to enjoy the next few days while in Germany. Out last day was in a delightful little town called Rothenburg. We had a good time, visited a toy store where the owners treated us to a glass of beer and good conversation. That night our entire group gathered for a good bye dinner. I was so proud of you when you stood up and addressed the group. You apologized for your strange behavior during several days of the trip and explained we did not know what was happening to you. The Dr ruled out cardiac, stroke and even Altziemers Disease. I could see the looks of shame on some of our fellow travelers as they had made unkind remarks as to why I brought you on this trip when you seems mentally incapacitated. One of the men also stood up and said he understood as he suffered a brain hemorrhage and it was a long time before he was able to function at a normal level again. Actually he was also one of our group who made sure to help me get you on the bus, to the bathroom etc. When we a returned to the states, we immediately made a Dr. appointment and you were given another sleep study which revealed that your CPAP was way off and you were not getting enough oxygen so that each time your breathing was affected you brain was also devoid of the ability to function. Little did we know that Parkinson Disease and Lewy Body Disease were waiting in the wings to take over your body and mind. To be continued......

ARE YOU HERE?

Are you here? Don there I times I wake up and hear you calling me, then I realize I was dreaming. But I sense your presence, especially late at night. I miss making meals and sitting down and enjoying them with you and especially our 4 o'clock glass of wine. Our lives were intwined 24/7 and only rarely were we apart. Maybe that is why I miss you so. We waited so long to be together, we knew time was not on our side, so we made every minute count.Even though your last year was marked by illness, infection, hospitalization it was still comforting to be together. I did not realize on your last day that that was the last day, and moments I would have you. I still feel guilty for leaving you on that day while I took care of errands, but you were in good hands. Kim, your caretaker was so loving towards you and I always felt good when she was there to help. Are you here? No not physically but spiritually you are , you fill my heart with your presence.

Pismo Beach

Pismo Beacn First time to visit Pismo Beach without you Don. So many many wonderful memories, why did it have to be over so soon. I miss you and feel like my purpose is no longer. So many things I could have done to make you more comfortable but the Lewy Body stole your mind and then stole you from all who love you. I shall always remember the year 2017 with much sadness and loneliness . what am I to do without you?